There are so many things I want to say to you… but I think we’ve come too far. Nothing I say will change how we are now. Nothing will shorten the distance between us. Nothing will lessen the tension between us. Nothing will ever bring us closer together. For months, I longed for this… for the day to come where I would inevitably say good-bye, but now that it’s here…… I’m having second thoughts. I’m not ready to let go. This love has dried up. All I do now is think of ways to revive our love, but all I do is choke up. Forgive me. Maybe we’ll meet again, despite the distance between us.
For as long as I can remember, when it came to relationships, I’ve always been “that guy.” I’m always “that guy” you see in the movies who falls in love with a girl but never says anything until it’s too late. Or “that guy” who’s in a relationship working his ass off never divulging his discontent with the girl, only hoping for the best. Or “that guy” that falls in love with the friend who’s always having problems with her terrible boyfriend but always offers advice that brings them together.
Not anymore. I’m finally just fed up with finishing last. I’ve met some nice, loving and just overall amazing girls in the past year and I’ve let them all go because of my stupid reservations. I always think, ah, she wouldn’t date someone like me, or she’s probably better off with him. I’ve been so suck into this notion that people judge me. That, if I tell her how I really feel about her, she will judge me. Now I’m starting to realize that, it’s my life damn it, if she wants to judge me, that’s her problem, but I can safely say that I know who I am and I the kind of person I can be. My label of “that guy” will have a totally different meaning this year. I’ll be “that guy” who’s not afraid to be himself, “that guy” who’s not afraid to be a little loving, or “that guy” who’s not afraid to express himself.
I know some girls are into the “bad boy” thing but that’s not an excuse for me to turn my life around and try to emulate that. I am who I am. I’ve done that “fake it till you make it” shit in the past and it’s gotten me nowhere. It’s about time to own up to my faults and my gifts and be comfortable with who I am so I can find someone who’s comfortable with me. The worst thing I could do for myself is to be someone I’m not, and be with someone who’s into that fake person…. it needs to stop.
Easy, I’d buy my parents a home, and pay off all debts. I don’t think my life would change significantly if my salary increased by even 1000%. My life right now is pretty good. I have a car, I have clothes on my back, shoes on my feet, even some nice watches to show off. What more can I ask for? Yeah sure maybe I would splurge every once in a while on a nice watch but I’m not even a big fan of Rolexes or expensive luxury cars so I think my splurging would be somewhat acceptable lol.
Okay so I don’t know why I didn’t get this before but I am finally realizing just how stupid this song is… FINALLY! It’s even in the title of the song!
I’m Gonna Find Another You
So if you break up with someone, why in the world are you gonna go out and find another him/her?! I remember when I was dating, she introduced me to John Mayer and I felt so overwhelmed with affection… not from her, but from the music she gave me. Everything John Mayer had to say, I felt like I could relate, I could be that perfect boyfriend, that perfect someone for another. Anyways… I remember when we’d sit in my car or in her room listening to this song, during the chorus where he would say “I’m Gonna Find Another You,” she would point to me and it hurt a lot. It hurt because she was telling me she’s going to find a replacement. That feeling never went away, even into year 2, 3 and 4 of our relationship that stuck with me. Everytime I listen to this song, those feelings do sometimes surface, granted they aren’t as sharp as they were 5 years ago, but I think I’m finally understanding the stupidity of those words and here’s why.
I realize now that when she said that to me, that shes gonna find another me, I shouldn’t have been upset. I treated her like a princess, so for her to break up with me that means that she’s gonna find someone that’s totally different. Okay that may or may not have made sense, but what I’m trying to say is… if I was the one to break up with someone, why would I go out and find the same person again? Unless you’re just out looking for the same thing in a different wrapping paper, which makes you extremely superficial.
Either way, I think this is my ego talking but I feel a little better coming to this conclusion. That she won’t go out finding another me. She can’t. One, because there’s no one like me, he may do the same things as I did, like literally say the same things, like reading a script and even emulating my voice perfectly, but the emotions, the feeling I put into everything I did and said to her can never be found again. I won’t ever be able to mimic those feelings either. Love isn’t as black and white as I once thought. I used to be a little afraid that I would never love another as much as I once did. If I ever did find the girl to be with, I felt like I was being unfair to her because I could never give her the amount of love I gave to my last. BUT… my love for her will be for HER and only her. Just as I said, the love I gave to my ex can never be found again, it’s gone, tossed away forever.
I don’t really know how I came to this realization but it’s pretty funny how these random thoughts pop into my head. Especially since I haven’t listened to a John Mayer song in months. Maybe its because people have been asking me about dating, why I’m not dating and what kind of girls are my “type.” I actually didn’t know what my type was so obviously I looked back at the girls I’ve been with in the past. I asked myself, do I want to be with her again? I remembered how difficult it was for me to fall asleep during those times. How I would wake up feeling like a king, knowing that I get to see my girlfriend and spend time with her, but being with her, hearing the things she had to say about me, or to me, always hoping she would come around to love me too made me exhausted by the end of the night. But not the kind of exhaustion to make you fall asleep, the kind of exhaustion that leaves you feeling so empty inside. Where you’re stripped of emotions, thoughts and even ambitions. Did I want that again? No.
Living with hopes and dreams are okay, but to walk the path of a relationship with someone and to hope that person be there to carry you when you’re ailing is fucked up. There shouldn’t be a second of hesitation that the person you’re with loves you, but to HOPE that they do is just plain wrong. And not to sound like a drama queen but that’s how I felt all the time. Mind you, this isn’t me trying to bash on my ex, because after many many many days/nights of talking about it we were both young, naive and lost. I was just as much at fault for the fall of our relationship as she was, so thats water under the bridge. But, what I’m saying here is totally different, it’s about new beginnings, its about looking beyond the horizon, it’s about seeing the full picture. Okay well either way, I’ve lost my train of thought so I will cut it here.
Day 1 – What would you like to do in the future?
Hmm… well this is a very immense question; what would I like to do in the future? Well here goes (in no particular order);
- work with a designer and get hands on experience in the process of making clothes
- get this jacket (rick owens textured leather jacket)
- find a girl who appreciates me and the things i could do for her
- graduate with at least a 3.9GPA
- get my hands on a miracle pill (ie. NZT from Limitless)
- dabble/succeed in the stock market
- own my own business
- work for a major corporation
- get an A in my accounting class
- take my blog to the next level blogosphere (www.kangalex.com)
- get working experience in various fields (ie. coffeeshop, retail, video game store, marketing firm, accounting firm, entertainment etc.)
Basically, in the future I want to try different things. I think right now I have so many things going on that I often find myself day dreaming about things I could be doing, or wishing I could try. Going to school, working, running a company and messing around with my fashion blog is fun and all, but it’s time consuming.. There are times where I just want to get away from it all and start something new, or just try something new. Rather than asking myself what I want to do in the future, I want to be able to tell myself for sure that I don’t want to do certain things because I’ve tried it.
Day 2 – What would you do if you were rich?
Day 3 – What would you do if you were poor?
Day 4 – What would you do if you were the principal of your school?
Day 5 – What would you do if you could suddenly speak another language?
Day 6 – What would you do if you won a lottery?
Day 7 – What would you do if you were told you had one month to live?
Day 8 – What would you do if you lost your passport?
Day 9 – What would you do if you were kidnapped?
Day 10 – What would you choose to have written on your gravestone wen you die?