Rear-view Mirror

For those who know me well enough, you know that I’ve always had a thing with girls with eyeliner. I’m not just talking about girls who put on some eyeliner, I’m talking about girls that put on a shit ton everyday before showing their face out in public. Well… not like a raccoon but a good amount… anyways.

I’ve come to realize that I’ve lived most of my life through the “rear-view mirror.” Meaning, I never see the things I have right in front of me, but rather watch as I pass by it through the rear-view mirror (of a car). This particular post will be about girls passing me by. I’ve always dated girls who knew what they were doing in the eyeliner department and that’s normal… considering I had this obsession with girls with eyeliner… but as it turns out, it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. I look back at the lady friends I’ve dated over the past year and the ones I never pursued because of the eyeliner thing and I’m starting to realize I made some terrible choices. This might be completely idiotic for me to say, but I think I’m starting to believe that the more eyeliner a girl puts, the bitchier she is. I can kind of see now that the reason girls put on so much eyeliner is to hide behind it. And what are they hiding you ask? Themselves. Their true, narcissistic, conniving, manipulative selves.

Without getting really too into it, I’ll just say that I’ve grown up quite a bit over the last 12 months. I’m actually starting to see things in a different light; especially girls. As much as the makeup and girls’ personalities might not relate, I have seen some things to make me believe that they are hiding behind all that make up. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still find them to be pretty, but I’ve also started noticing true beauty. The ones that don’t need to hide behind their designer jeans, their silk shirt made by an Italian artisan, or the vintage designer bag that’s been handed down from generation to generation.

To the one that got away; I’m sorry I was such an idiot. I honestly didn’t take the time to get to know you better because I was too fixated on the materialistic things. I see now that the reason you didn’t wear all that stupid makeup is because you didn’t need it. You were (still are) beautiful inside and out. I remember the times we went out, how I thought “wow this girl would be AMAZING with some eyeliner!” How immature of me to even think that… because honestly, that’s the kind of shit that made me such a bad guy for you. I hope our paths cross again, so I can say this is the way I used to be. I hope you give me the opportunity again to show you a more respectable, mature Alex and we can pick up where we left off.

—-edit

If not… there’s plenty of fish in the sea lol. I’ll just go find another you.

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Reoccuring Theme

I recently realized that I went maybe a good 6-8 months without being sad. I wasn’t upset, disappointed, angry or sad about anything in the past months. Just the other day I realized, as I sat there on the bus, waiting to come home… that I am sad. Something in the past 8months changed, something new old had been introduced to me and it brought with it reminders of my morose lifestyle.

 

okay im done. cuz now im just being a dramatic bitch lol. whats changed? whats changed is that i started school… thats probably it. plus its been raining nonstop for like 72 hours… whatsup?

Emotional Potpourri

I said your name aloud today by accident and there was this surge of emotions. It was a beautiful mess; a concoction of nervousness, regret, guilt, joy, confusion, motivation, emptiness, angst, content, fluster… then like a ton of bricks came the irrefutable, conclusive: indifference.

https://i2.wp.com/24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgpjcp2t641qzblnio1_500.gif

DEEP

There’s one quote that I will never forget, and I’m not entirely sure where I got it from but I used to tell myself this back in the day when things got difficult, especially in my relationship with the girl;

Sacrifice is the true measure of love.

I even wrote that on my blog back in 2009 lol. Its so true and I don’t know what anyone can say to argue against that…

But anyway, I was catching up on House today and there was a SOLID SOLID line that someone says (I don’t wanna ruin it for anyone who are not caught up to the show yet, so I won’t even drop names);

Pain happens when you care.

I think the latter quote actually goes well with the former; the reason I used to tell myself that sacrifice was the true measure of love was because I was convincing myself that this is what it takes to be in love, and to have that returned to me. I was in pain. It was a way for me to keep myself in check so that I don’t do anything rash, and suck it up… but the pain I was feeling was really a way for me to show that I care.

Some might argue that if there is so much pain in a relationship then its bad but..

Actually… now that I think about it… I don’t know anything about this shit. I always write about “love,” “relationship” and I write advice-style posts about love and shit but I am definitely, 100% NOT the person to be giving advice on the topic of love, or relationships. If anything, I’m the one that needs advice lol. I mean.. come to think of it; I’m 22 years old and I’ve only been in one real relationship, which I believe was a failure… probably my biggest investment yielding the worst return. I remember working for a relationship advice website writing articles about how to be a better husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend, yet I knew nothing about how to be a better anything. To be perfectly honest, every “love” post I wrote was more or less my dream. Like I would write about how to better your relationship, but when I wrote, I actually thought about my own relationship and what I wanted from it and I wrote that. So… for anyone who actually read my bullshit and got some motivation or some sort of drive from it… it was all nonsense lol. It was conjured up in my head… I literally wrote every post off the top of my head… there was no editing, no research, no brainstorming. It was 100% bullshit lol. It was my secret public letter to my gf at the time that telling her “I want to be that awesome boyfriend and I want you to be that girlfriend that loves me for it.” I tell myself and others that I know how to be a good boyfriend, but if you really wanna know how good of a boyfriend I really was, you need to go find my ex lol. I’m almost positive she will have totally different stories about my boyfriend-like-traits lol. I definitely give myself too much credit and that most certainly comes from my insecurities. I guess I always thought I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend so I would overcompensate and just do shit over the top, and when I didn’t receive the kind of praise I thought I should get, I would be upset and consider that to be my “sacrifice,” and I would continue to do shit over the top because I was under the impression that I could make someone love me back that way… but damn… how wrong I was lol. You can’t make someone love you.. you can only make yourself lovable, the rest is up to the other party…

Okay… well… this post went south real fast lol. But, I truly believe in that first quote and I think it’s awesome 🙂 I will live by it forever! Because seriously… how else can you SHOW someone that you love them except through sacrifice?