Emotional Potpourri

I said your name aloud today by accident and there was this surge of emotions. It was a beautiful mess; a concoction of nervousness, regret, guilt, joy, confusion, motivation, emptiness, angst, content, fluster… then like a ton of bricks came the irrefutable, conclusive: indifference.

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c’est la vie

Certain people/events in my life have been stressing me to journal so here it goes. The past few months have been pretty rough for me. I guess it’s all my own fault but just 3 months ago I tore a ligament which would put me out for 2 months, walking boot and all. It was pretty bad because commuting to classes in the city was very painful and annoying. Also it really didn’t allow me to do my job, which brought up the possibility of me being replaced by some other shlep that would do my job for half my pay lol. So I had to just suck it up, take off the boot and do my job without it.

On top of that nonsense, as soon as I was getting back into playing bball with some friends, I break my nose lol. As injuries occur, money is indubitably a main concern. I guess if there’s one thing that is a constant struggle (if i can call it that) for me in my life, it’s money. Every time I injure my ankle it’s off to the same doctor in Fort Lee, the same procedures; X-Ray and consultation ($160) and every once in a while he will tell me to stop playing basketball all together. The last injury however, was bad enough to have me in crutches for a little bit and then move onto the Walking Boot which cost me a pretty penny as well. Then comes the nose… I didn’t really think it was broken until I got home and looked in the mirror… gnarly. lol. broken noseBut ya, I went to 3 places to get it fixed the day after it happened. The first one was at some conference in NYC (he’s the doctor that I go to for my ankle injuries; he would probably just sigh when he sees me like every other time i go in there lol), the second doctor told me minimum cost to fix it would be $2000, I left that place real quick. Finally, the third doc had me waiting 45minutes and when he finally came in, he stared at me for a good 30seconds, not saying a word, and just uttered the words “yeah… it’s broken.” And walked out of the room LOL. The idiot then had the nerve to tell me to come back Saturday to fix it and charge me $150 to tell me it’s broken.

Well long story short, I went back Saturday like the idiot told me, he put me under, (ANESTHESIA IS THE GREATEST THING EVER INVESTED/DISCOVERED AND EVERYONE SHOULD GET INJURED AND GO UNDER AT LEAST ONCE IN YOUR LIFE TIME, SERIOUSLY… IT’S AMAZING. I MEAN… JUST LOOK AT HOW HAPPY I LOOK!) broke my nose and put it back. This procedure set me back financially. It put enough dent in my wallet that I couldn’t get a new bike lol. I actually had to settle for getting my old one fixed 😦

But anyways, besides that ummm… well I quit basketball for good lol. Because, when I really look back on my life, basketball really brought me down; physically, mentally and emotionally. Actually, it took me on a hair-raising roller coaster ride. When I really get into the game and get into a good bball regiment, I am physically fit, mentally nimble and emotionally high. However, the moment I get hurt (which is about every 2-3months lol) I am down in the dumps. It doesn’t mean I’ll never touch a basketball again, I just won’t participate in any games. I still go with my friends to watch them play and to shoot around on the side, just cuz I love the game, but I won’t bother lacing up my Lebrons (which I’ve been saving up to play indoors, but i guess now it’s become my gym shoes fml) or putting on my ankle brace.

So I don’t know… I guess that’s it for now. Oh and I’ve been pretty stressed out about the whole “graduating” situation. Most people might not know but in high-school, towards the later years, like end of Junior year and Senior year, I started distancing myself from my friends. I did this because I saw my friends getting into all these schools that were kinda far away and starting to go shopping for their dorms and shit while my future was to remain constant. Stay at home, drive to school, come back… eat shit sleep basically. I was obviously a little jealous, envious and angry. So I distanced myself, with the mindset of “they’re all going away and gonna get new friends and I’m just an embarrassment, so what’s the point. Best to just end it now rather than embarrass myself later.” But that was high-school and I was an idiot and college wasn’t really that big of a deal, still envious, but manageable. But now… it’s like people are waking up for the first time. Facebook and twitter updates that say “am I really a senior now?” and “omg 1 more year till I enter the real world!” Seeing that shit kinda brings me back to the high-school days. While everyone I know will be entering the corporate world, entertainment business, or the fashion industry, I’ll still remain a student. I mean, some people try telling me shit like “it’s best to just stay in school because of the recession.” or “the more you learn the better off you’ll be when you actually enter the real world.” But that kind of shit is just shit you just tell people to make them feel less of a failure. But ya, I mean I guess I have a lot of pride (i don’t know why i would, but i do lol) and I guess I only see myself as an embarrassment to my friends when I introduce myself as a student. I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll be that guy that everyone has in their group of friends that never really got anywhere in life and that scrubs off of everyone else. That guy that lives with the parents, and works as a waiter or some shit.

I don’t freakin know actually… and to be perfectly frank… I’m pretty fucking scared. Scared to be that guy. Scared to lose everyone (not because my friends are shallow, but because I’m too full of myself). Scared to not make it. Scared to wake up one day and just call it quits. Maybe that’s why all this shit happens to me. Like my bad luck streaks, breaking bones, tearing ligaments, losing money, etc.  Maybe it’s the world telling me, fuck all that shit. Maybe I’m focusing too much on the worldly things, the materialistic things, the things that define not who we are, but what STATUS or what CLASS we belong to. Maybe I need to just wake up and smell the coffee. That the lifestyle I am living is not the one I was meant to live. Maybe that’s what growing up means. Maybe growing up doesn’t mean that I have to change my wardrobe, maybe it doesn’t mean I have to drive the Infiniti, or go to a nice school or have a nice job. Maybe growing up actually means living your life for YOU and loving it.  Ohhh shittt… that’s some deep shit right there lol.

But that’s like legit bullshit. Cuz right now I am tired as shit and high off cough medicine lol. Yea, it sucks.. I mean who the hell gets a cold when it’s never cooler than 85 degrees?! lol…. ME. OH and another thing, why the hell is medicine so dam expensive? I mean, give the people a freakin break. Either lower the cost of health insurance so I can go to the dam doctor without giving up my entire week’s pay, or make medicine affordable. For the love of God, throw me a bone here. It’s a freakin conspiracy… a bottle of Dayquil the size of my big toe was $8.01!! And it’s not like they made the new formula any better, they actually made it LESS EFFECTIVE! Because these druggies out there can’t get their fix so they buy cough medicine to get high, so Vicks had to take out the MAIN ingredient that actually helps. Now it’s the same shit as what’s in a cough drop… it’s absolutely heinous. But such is life I suppose.

I hope I can keep up with the journaling for more than 3 days, because it doesn’t seem like I’ve gone more than 3 days with this crap lol. Well I guess it’s a good time to get back to work now… gotta move a whole warehouse with 2 people lol. Awesome.

P.S – I think it’s about time now for a good luck streak to swing on by in my life. The slew of bad luck that’s been thrown at me is just too much to ignore and too much to go unrewarded. So I am optimistic about the near future 🙂

P.P.S – I’ve been blaming God for all my bad luck. I don’t want to, but after hearing so much “God will help you”, “God will protect you”, “God always provides” nonsense, it only makes sense to look to him for an answer right? And because the only answers I’ve been getting were more bad luck and more unfortunate events, I blame you God.  Thanks for trying though.

I Hate You [?]

There are those rare occasions where the break-up(in a relationship) leads to a continuing and lasting friendship. However a break-up can lead to drama and animosity between two people, in this case they will often tell each other that they “Hate” one another. But is Hate the right word to use when two people truly abhor one another? People like to think that the opposite of Love is Hate, but wake up people… because it’s not! Whether you just claim to simply dislike someone, or belittle them with a melange of sesquipedalian disparagement, it simply doesn’t do justice.

Are you really going to tell me that sitting there forlorn and telling your girlfriends and your best buds how much you hate your ex-significant-other really illustrates your bitterness for that person? I have not been in too many relationships so I can’t tell you how I handled my break-ups, but I can say that I would have made it a big deal and told everyone how much abhorrence I had for the one that broke up with me. I would explain to my friends how much I HATED her and how much the relationship sucked…

If I was as spoony and sophomoric as people think I am… but I know the difference between Love and Hate. Love is adoring someone. Love is putting her ahead of myself and my needs. Hate is discontent. How dissatisfied I am/was with the relationship- Hate and Love are not true antonyms of each other. Simply hating someone only turns into a sempiternal illusion that we cannot escape. Hate just ends up being the next stage of Love. Once you’re out of love, it becomes irrelevant. However, if you are stuck in that stage of Hate, then it’s just an extension of Love. Another inescapable fate. Hate is the absolute bankruptcy of love, but not the opposite of love. So then it can be said that the true antonym for Love is INDIFFERENCE.

Indifferent; Marked by no special liking or disliking of something, marked by lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. That is the truly the opposite of Love. If I disliked someone, I wouldn’t give him/her a second of my time. I wouldn’t sit around looking forlorn hoping to open up to someone. I don’t care if you’re an award-winning raconteur, writing hate letters or telling friends how much hatred you have for her would mean victory for her. BUT, show her that you’re indifferent, that you are not concerned about her, that she lacks any interesting characteristics, and you will have the lachrymose ending you so craved from her (not suggesting your goal be seeking schadenfreude). Maybe she will try to twist that knife in your back and tease you a little, or tell her friends to relay a message to you about how she might be regretting the break-up. But stay focused; show absolute disinterest in her and whatever she has to say. Display your ennui towards every possible action she might take, and it will break her heart.

So stop wasting your time thinking about how much you hate him/her, utilize your gift for vituperation against something/someone useful. Set off on a long peregrination and discover a new love.

Should I refuel?

This is how I feel today. Empty. I’m over being angry. I’m so over being depressed. I am over being disappointed. I think I’ve learned that life is difficult and no one just hands you a lemon to make lemonade… that’s just preposterous! And if some stranger does offer you a lemon, it’s either the most sour lemon ever, or its just straight up poison.

So I’m empty now… but should I refuel? Should I fill up with anger? Or depressing emotions? Or disappointment?

Well, I’d like to fill up with joy. Maybe fill up with some satisfaction. And what I want most is; Desirability or admirably. I’d like to be accepted. Maybe its because I’m a major attention whore or something, but I just don’t like rejection. I don’t like being out of the loop.

Usually, when I’m down, I used to go out and play some basketball. Basketball was my remedy for all sorts of illnesses, physical and emotional illnesses. However, it’s just not the same anymore. I’ve lost that competitive edge. And when I first started working at Blinglights and I was feeling down, I’d just wait till I get paid on Saturday, then hit up the mall or online shop for hours. Just splurge on myself, whatever I felt like having, I got it. But lately, I can buy new things, for example, I just got a new phone… I should be ecstatic, but I’m really indifferent about it. No happiness or excitement.

…I know what makes me happy, and excited, and satisfied. A MCDONALD’s CONE!!!

yummy yummy yummy nomnomnom 🙂