I need to get away…

There are so many things I want to say to you… but I think we’ve come too far. Nothing I say will change how we are now. Nothing will shorten the distance between us. Nothing will lessen the tension between us. Nothing will ever bring us closer together. For months, I longed for this… for the day to come where I would inevitably say good-bye, but now that it’s here…… I’m having second thoughts. I’m not ready to let go. This love has dried up. All I do now is think of ways to revive our love, but all I do is choke up. Forgive me. Maybe we’ll meet again, despite the distance between us.

“That Guy”

For as long as I can remember, when it came to relationships, I’ve always been “that guy.” I’m always “that guy” you see in the movies who falls in love with a girl but never says anything until it’s too late. Or “that guy” who’s in a relationship working his ass off never divulging his discontent with the girl, only hoping for the best. Or “that guy” that falls in love with the friend who’s always having problems with her terrible boyfriend but always offers advice that brings them together.

Not anymore. I’m finally just fed up with finishing last. I’ve met some nice, loving and just overall amazing girls in the past year and I’ve let them all go because of my stupid reservations. I always think, ah, she wouldn’t date someone like me, or she’s probably better off with him. I’ve been so suck into this notion that people judge me. That, if I tell her how I really feel about her, she will judge me. Now I’m starting to realize that, it’s my life damn it, if she wants to judge me, that’s her problem, but I can safely say that I know who I am and I the kind of person I can be. My label of “that guy” will have a totally different meaning this year. I’ll be “that guy” who’s not afraid to be himself, “that guy” who’s not afraid to be a little loving, or “that guy” who’s not afraid to express himself.

I know some girls are into the “bad boy” thing but that’s not an excuse for me to turn my life around and try to emulate that. I am who I am. I’ve done that “fake it till you make it” shit in the past and it’s gotten me nowhere. It’s about time to own up to my faults and my gifts and be comfortable with who I am so I can find someone who’s comfortable with me. The worst thing I could do for myself is to be someone I’m not, and be with someone who’s into that fake person…. it needs to stop.

Coldplay – Fix You (Live Tokyo 2009) (High Quality video) (HQ) Lyrics

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I’ve always felt the need to be the hero in all of my relationships, but I’m starting to realize now that I’m not meant to play that role for anyone. As much as I want to be the savior for you, all I can do for you is simply be. You may not even be expecting me to fix you, but I am consumed by my own ego and pressure myself to help you, to fix you, to be your savior. I guess I’m looking to be of worth to you, I want to be that guy you can always come to when you’re in need and be that guy that always knows just what to say, or knows just what to do in every situation. Slowly but surely I am realizing that I can’t do it. Looking back at our relationship, I’m sure you could tell that I was trying so hard to be there for you, and to be that guy… but I’ve always come short. You tell me it’s okay, that you don’t expect me to be superman… but I can’t help but feel like I’m being nothing more than a passive companion to you. I want to be more than that. I want to be able to fulfill your needs, to help mend your heart and to help you grow.

When did we get this way? We used to just click… now there’s just too much thinking involved! Eh.. whatever… maybe I shouldn’t be so obsessed with trying to fix you… maybe I should let you fix me… but do you care enough to even try?

Rear-view Mirror

For those who know me well enough, you know that I’ve always had a thing with girls with eyeliner. I’m not just talking about girls who put on some eyeliner, I’m talking about girls that put on a shit ton everyday before showing their face out in public. Well… not like a raccoon but a good amount… anyways.

I’ve come to realize that I’ve lived most of my life through the “rear-view mirror.” Meaning, I never see the things I have right in front of me, but rather watch as I pass by it through the rear-view mirror (of a car). This particular post will be about girls passing me by. I’ve always dated girls who knew what they were doing in the eyeliner department and that’s normal… considering I had this obsession with girls with eyeliner… but as it turns out, it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. I look back at the lady friends I’ve dated over the past year and the ones I never pursued because of the eyeliner thing and I’m starting to realize I made some terrible choices. This might be completely idiotic for me to say, but I think I’m starting to believe that the more eyeliner a girl puts, the bitchier she is. I can kind of see now that the reason girls put on so much eyeliner is to hide behind it. And what are they hiding you ask? Themselves. Their true, narcissistic, conniving, manipulative selves.

Without getting really too into it, I’ll just say that I’ve grown up quite a bit over the last 12 months. I’m actually starting to see things in a different light; especially girls. As much as the makeup and girls’ personalities might not relate, I have seen some things to make me believe that they are hiding behind all that make up. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still find them to be pretty, but I’ve also started noticing true beauty. The ones that don’t need to hide behind their designer jeans, their silk shirt made by an Italian artisan, or the vintage designer bag that’s been handed down from generation to generation.

To the one that got away; I’m sorry I was such an idiot. I honestly didn’t take the time to get to know you better because I was too fixated on the materialistic things. I see now that the reason you didn’t wear all that stupid makeup is because you didn’t need it. You were (still are) beautiful inside and out. I remember the times we went out, how I thought “wow this girl would be AMAZING with some eyeliner!” How immature of me to even think that… because honestly, that’s the kind of shit that made me such a bad guy for you. I hope our paths cross again, so I can say this is the way I used to be. I hope you give me the opportunity again to show you a more respectable, mature Alex and we can pick up where we left off.

—-edit

If not… there’s plenty of fish in the sea lol. I’ll just go find another you.