Okay so I don’t know why I didn’t get this before but I am finally realizing just how stupid this song is… FINALLY! It’s even in the title of the song!
I’m Gonna Find Another You
So if you break up with someone, why in the world are you gonna go out and find another him/her?! I remember when I was dating, she introduced me to John Mayer and I felt so overwhelmed with affection… not from her, but from the music she gave me. Everything John Mayer had to say, I felt like I could relate, I could be that perfect boyfriend, that perfect someone for another. Anyways… I remember when we’d sit in my car or in her room listening to this song, during the chorus where he would say “I’m Gonna Find Another You,” she would point to me and it hurt a lot. It hurt because she was telling me she’s going to find a replacement. That feeling never went away, even into year 2, 3 and 4 of our relationship that stuck with me. Everytime I listen to this song, those feelings do sometimes surface, granted they aren’t as sharp as they were 5 years ago, but I think I’m finally understanding the stupidity of those words and here’s why.
I realize now that when she said that to me, that shes gonna find another me, I shouldn’t have been upset. I treated her like a princess, so for her to break up with me that means that she’s gonna find someone that’s totally different. Okay that may or may not have made sense, but what I’m trying to say is… if I was the one to break up with someone, why would I go out and find the same person again? Unless you’re just out looking for the same thing in a different wrapping paper, which makes you extremely superficial.
Either way, I think this is my ego talking but I feel a little better coming to this conclusion. That she won’t go out finding another me. She can’t. One, because there’s no one like me, he may do the same things as I did, like literally say the same things, like reading a script and even emulating my voice perfectly, but the emotions, the feeling I put into everything I did and said to her can never be found again. I won’t ever be able to mimic those feelings either. Love isn’t as black and white as I once thought. I used to be a little afraid that I would never love another as much as I once did. If I ever did find the girl to be with, I felt like I was being unfair to her because I could never give her the amount of love I gave to my last. BUT… my love for her will be for HER and only her. Just as I said, the love I gave to my ex can never be found again, it’s gone, tossed away forever.
I don’t really know how I came to this realization but it’s pretty funny how these random thoughts pop into my head. Especially since I haven’t listened to a John Mayer song in months. Maybe its because people have been asking me about dating, why I’m not dating and what kind of girls are my “type.” I actually didn’t know what my type was so obviously I looked back at the girls I’ve been with in the past. I asked myself, do I want to be with her again? I remembered how difficult it was for me to fall asleep during those times. How I would wake up feeling like a king, knowing that I get to see my girlfriend and spend time with her, but being with her, hearing the things she had to say about me, or to me, always hoping she would come around to love me too made me exhausted by the end of the night. But not the kind of exhaustion to make you fall asleep, the kind of exhaustion that leaves you feeling so empty inside. Where you’re stripped of emotions, thoughts and even ambitions. Did I want that again? No.
Living with hopes and dreams are okay, but to walk the path of a relationship with someone and to hope that person be there to carry you when you’re ailing is fucked up. There shouldn’t be a second of hesitation that the person you’re with loves you, but to HOPE that they do is just plain wrong. And not to sound like a drama queen but that’s how I felt all the time. Mind you, this isn’t me trying to bash on my ex, because after many many many days/nights of talking about it we were both young, naive and lost. I was just as much at fault for the fall of our relationship as she was, so thats water under the bridge. But, what I’m saying here is totally different, it’s about new beginnings, its about looking beyond the horizon, it’s about seeing the full picture. Okay well either way, I’ve lost my train of thought so I will cut it here.