“That Guy”

For as long as I can remember, when it came to relationships, I’ve always been “that guy.” I’m always “that guy” you see in the movies who falls in love with a girl but never says anything until it’s too late. Or “that guy” who’s in a relationship working his ass off never divulging his discontent with the girl, only hoping for the best. Or “that guy” that falls in love with the friend who’s always having problems with her terrible boyfriend but always offers advice that brings them together.

Not anymore. I’m finally just fed up with finishing last. I’ve met some nice, loving and just overall amazing girls in the past year and I’ve let them all go because of my stupid reservations. I always think, ah, she wouldn’t date someone like me, or she’s probably better off with him. I’ve been so suck into this notion that people judge me. That, if I tell her how I really feel about her, she will judge me. Now I’m starting to realize that, it’s my life damn it, if she wants to judge me, that’s her problem, but I can safely say that I know who I am and I the kind of person I can be. My label of “that guy” will have a totally different meaning this year. I’ll be “that guy” who’s not afraid to be himself, “that guy” who’s not afraid to be a little loving, or “that guy” who’s not afraid to express himself.

I know some girls are into the “bad boy” thing but that’s not an excuse for me to turn my life around and try to emulate that. I am who I am. I’ve done that “fake it till you make it” shit in the past and it’s gotten me nowhere. It’s about time to own up to my faults and my gifts and be comfortable with who I am so I can find someone who’s comfortable with me. The worst thing I could do for myself is to be someone I’m not, and be with someone who’s into that fake person…. it needs to stop.

I’m Gonna Find Another You

Okay so I don’t know why I didn’t get this before but I am finally realizing just how stupid this song is…  FINALLY! It’s even in the title of the song!

I’m Gonna Find Another You

So if you break up with someone, why in the world are you gonna go out and find another him/her?! I remember when I was dating, she introduced me to John Mayer and I felt so overwhelmed with affection… not from her, but from the music she gave me. Everything John Mayer had to say, I felt like I could relate, I could be that perfect boyfriend, that perfect someone for another. Anyways… I remember when we’d sit in my car or in her room listening to this song, during the chorus where he would say “I’m Gonna Find Another You,” she would point to me and it hurt a lot. It hurt because she was telling me she’s going to find a replacement. That feeling never went away, even into year 2, 3 and 4 of our relationship that stuck with me. Everytime I listen to this song, those feelings do sometimes surface, granted they aren’t as sharp as they were 5 years ago, but I think I’m finally understanding the stupidity of those words and here’s why.

I realize now that when she said that to me, that shes gonna find another me, I shouldn’t have been upset. I treated her like a princess, so for her to break up with me that means that she’s gonna find someone that’s totally different. Okay that may or may not have made sense, but what I’m trying to say is… if I was the one to break up with someone, why would I go out and find the same person again? Unless you’re just out looking for the same thing in a different wrapping paper, which makes you extremely superficial.

Either way, I think this is my ego talking but I feel a little better coming to this conclusion. That she won’t go out finding another me. She can’t. One, because there’s no one like me, he may do the same things as I did, like literally say the same things, like reading a script and even emulating my voice perfectly, but the emotions, the feeling I put into everything I did and said to her can never be found again. I won’t ever be able to mimic those feelings either. Love isn’t as black and white as I once thought. I used to be a little afraid that I would never love another as much as I once did. If I ever did find the girl to be with, I felt like I was being unfair to her because I could never give her the amount of love I gave to my last. BUT… my love for her will be for HER and only her. Just as I said, the love I gave to my ex can never be found again, it’s gone, tossed away forever.

I don’t really know how I came to this realization but it’s pretty funny how these random thoughts pop into my head. Especially since I haven’t listened to a John Mayer song in months. Maybe its because people have been asking me about dating, why I’m not dating and what kind of girls are my “type.” I actually didn’t know what my type was so obviously I looked back at the girls I’ve been with in the past. I asked myself, do I want to be with her again? I remembered how difficult it was for me to fall asleep during those times. How I would wake up feeling like a king, knowing that I get to see my girlfriend and spend time with her, but being with her, hearing the things she had to say about me, or to me, always hoping she would come around to love me too made me exhausted by the end of the night. But not the kind of exhaustion to make you fall asleep, the kind of exhaustion that leaves you feeling so empty inside. Where you’re stripped of emotions, thoughts and even ambitions. Did I want that again? No.

Living with hopes and dreams are okay, but to walk the path of a relationship with someone and to hope that person be there to carry you when you’re ailing is fucked up. There shouldn’t be a second of hesitation that the person you’re with loves you, but to HOPE that they do is just plain wrong. And not to sound like a drama queen but that’s how I felt all the time. Mind you, this isn’t me trying to bash on my ex, because after many many many days/nights of talking about it we were both young, naive and lost. I was just as much at fault for the fall of our relationship as she was, so thats water under the bridge. But, what I’m saying here is totally different, it’s about new beginnings, its about looking beyond the horizon, it’s about seeing the full picture. Okay well either way, I’ve lost my train of thought so I will cut it here.

Love Is The Ultimate Painkiller

Don’t bother with morphine the next time you are in pain. All you need is a healthy dose of love to make yourself feel better in an instant.

A group of 17 women lined up at UCLA to have their brains scanned while they received brief, stinging shocks. They endured this form of medical torture so they could prove to the world that love conquers all, including pain.

While being shocked, these women were shown photographs. Sometimes they saw their loved ones. Sometimes they gazed upon a stranger. Other times they were shown a random object. Not surprisingly, the photos of a lover stimulated the part of the brain that is linked to feelings of safety and protection. Now bursting with those gushy feelings of love, the ladies were numb to the pain. [Wired; Shutterstock/ Mark Herreid]

straight up stole this from; http://gizmodo.com/5816883/love-is-the-ultimate-painkiller

Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?

May 2010

I don’t think much has changed over the past year, well a good amount has happened but I haven’t changed much.

May 2011

I guess if I had to think of what has changed… umm… I now go to church pretty consistently and I guess I can now call myself a member of 180 church. I still work out, but I think now I’m working out for a different purpose, which is to just stay in good, healthy shape. This year, I stopped being such a slut. I’ve been shopping for myself quite a bit now that I’ve got some extra money. I lost my license so I’ve lost almost all mobility in my life. I have time to watch TV shows again, and I started playing bball again and it’s very refreshing to be able to get outside and play a sport that I can say I don’t suck at lol. This year, I sorta don’t listen to John Mayer as much (I still listen to at least one John Mayer song a day). I started a tumblr, which is getting a fairly good amount of followers these days. I cut back on going out to eat at restaurants, mostly because of my lack of mobility, but also because I stopped dating, almost completely 😉 uhhh what else… I think that’s it… this challenge was sorta boring =\

Adele – Someone Like You (Live in Her Home)

I got about halfway through with with it and gave up just because it was really hurting me while I was writing it… I met the love of my life and I’ll never find anyone like him again, but we just weren’t right for each other then and I think we just destroyed it too much to ever go back to it again… It was just me imagining being a spinster and being single forever and then going looking for him and hes married with kids and stuff like that… It was never meant to happen… The first and the last chorus..I’m actually crying in it. I don’t think ill ever write a nicer or a better song, I think that might be my song.

I can imagine being about 40 and looking for him again and turning up that he’s settled and he’s got a beautiful wife and some beautiful kids and he’s completely happy and I’m still on my own.